Texting back and forth at the same time for the first time in months, I was thrilled when my friend Sade asked me if I had time for a call. Did I have time to talk to my friend who I sorely missed? I was in a small beachside town in the state of Oaxaca, Mexico. She was in Brazil. I made my way over to the cafe in the town that has Starlink and called her on Whatsapp audio. We talked for hours! It was so great to catch up with my friend who had moved and left a gaping hole in my life in Mexico as a goodbye present.

We talked about so many things. Love, friendship, travel, drama. I recounted a white woman who had coffee with me and then thought it was appropriate to try to flirt with my husband. She recounted nightmarish landlords in Puerto Rico. It was great!

It was great because I missed my friend. But it was also great because inevitably, we started talking about work. When you are self-employed and entrepreneurial, talking about work hits different. Work becomes a reflection of yourself in some ways, so when it’s not good, you don’t feel good. But when it is good, you know that what you made is the result of your own grit and work. But most of all, you are 100 percent responsible for your own. This is exciting, wonderful, and extremely difficult.

One of the things about working for yourself is how there is often no one else there. Try to turn to a colleague. What colleague? Need another person’s feedback? You’re on your own. Is there a subject matter expert to talk to? Just you.

Working with other people gives you not just someone to lean on but also someone to bounce ideas off of. Someone to tell you that the results aren’t as bad as you think. Someone to tell you to try on another point of view, give it another try, or just that you’re doing good. It can be hard.

In this call, Sade and I did exactly this. For me, it was my writing work, and some other things I have been working on. For her, she is figuring out her business. No matter the type of work, tell a good friend your losses and they will quickly point out your wins. Ask a trusted friend for advice and they’ll say something you needed to hear. Chat with a smart friend, and just like that, you have a colleague.

I love these weekly calls now. Ever since that call on the side of the road in Oaxaca, Sade and I decided to stay in touch with a weekly schedule, after I go to the gym and after she comes back from Portuguese class. We have now had a bunch and we text through the week, sharing wins, blocks, and feedback.

The funny thing about them is they are very loosely structured. Initially, I thought I’d bring my anecdotally award-winning structure to our calls with an agenda and calendar invite, but we have realized that the less the call seems like work, the more we enjoy it, and the more we enjoy it, the more we talk. The more we talk, the more each of us exposes blindspots for the other, meaning the more we talk, the more effective the call is. It has taken time to realize this, but the way we work in the US is truly not the best for everyone.

Sade and I are different people and like any classically good friendship, that is part of why it works so well. She’s not my best friend but someone I adore and cherish. An ally to Palestinians and Ethiopian-American—Sade is a highly intelligent though very humble former New York lawyer. She decided she wanted a life better than the kind presented in the beige walls of a law office. Sometime ago, before we met, we both got on planes that changed our lives. Perhaps in this way, we are just the right amount of similar to be friends, but different enough for these calls to be useful.

But the calls aren’t just useful. Or maybe, they aren’t just useful in the way you might expect. Sure, during our call, we both share our wins (we start with wins, and try to both share wins before blocks). Sometimes the wins lead to the blocks. Like I said, the structure is loose. Somewhere in the middle, we work through the blocks and make next steps, which each of us works on during the week. We report back on our next Monday call, ironically, with way more wins than we used to. 

They aren’t just useful, they are fun, and they make us feel connected. When Sade left Mexico City, I was sad, but I have had enough goodbyes in my life that I have learned not to be overly attached to people you care about being in the same place as you. I care about people all around the world. The calls don’t just work because they’re useful, they work because we start each week with connection. Connection is something both of us realized we needed more of.

It is funny how often one of us begins the call by apologizing for their mood or energy, only for it to have shifted by the middle of the call. We have found that just a one hour video chat at the beginning of the week sets an amazing tone for the whole thing. Just when the magic of the call starts to run out, Monday rolls around, and we get to do it again. Maybe a testament to self-employment but maybe a testament to friendship, now, Mondays are something to look forward to. All we needed was a little connection to spark creativity and energize us into action on our goals.

Lately, something I have been reflecting on is how much we need fun, connection, relaxation, and play. At some times in my life, like many Americans, I thought the best way to get myself to do anything was through sheer grit, determination, and honestly, a lot of force. “Get to work!” I imagine a version of myself cracking the whip in my mind. Believe me, she is mean.

The whip cracking hadn’t been working so well when I was depressed just a few short months ago, so after wallowing in the misery of being unproductive, I finally let go and let myself let loose, whatever that meant. First it meant accepting how I felt, and not judging myself for being unproductive and depressed. This was easier said than done and was mostly achieved through sheer exhaustion of trying to get up, so instead, I gave up. Once I gave up, I found some peace in the space I gave myself to just be. After toying with some creative activities here at home including writing, I started to play more, in a variety of ways. I can play in my writing, but I also started to value in-the-world play.

It started with the trip to a town near Mexico City, where I live, called Tepoztlan, which I have referred to previously, with some dear visiting friends. It felt a lot like being in college as far as how fun it was, and how relaxed we all were. Next was a trip to the mountains, followed by the beachside town. When I came home, I adjusted to fit my city life, instead of the other way around, realizing that play and relaxation actually make me better in all the other parts of my life, like my marriage, or my work. Sometimes it means a pool day with friends. Sometimes it means dancing to 90s hip hop and R&B in the kitchen, the neighbors looking into my fish bowl-like apartment and for sure amused.

As Americans, productivity is king, and there is so much data about how when we are happier and better adjusted, making better use of our time when we are not working, we ironically do better at work and are happier when doing it. We all know this so well, not just from data but from firsthand experience, that it doesn’t feel like it’s even worth sharing.

“An extensive study into happiness and productivity has found that workers are 13% more productive when happy,” stated one study by Oxford University.¹ “A recent study published in Management Science finds that happiness increases productivity,” states an article from Forbes Magazine.²

The strange question then is, if American culture is obsessed with productivity, why are they not also obsessed with happiness? You could argue they are, but data shows Americans are not getting happier. In fact, “the percentage of U.S. adults who report having been diagnosed with depression at some point in their lifetime has reached 29.0%, nearly 10 percentage points higher than in 2015. The percentage of Americans who currently have or are being treated for depression has also increased, to 17.8%, up about seven points over the same period.”³ We all know this anecdotally as well so the data isn’t that helpful—we all know we are more depressed than ever. 

We are depressed. Or we have been depressed. So are our friends and family, some aware of it and battling it with antidepressants, others less aware or less open, some fighting with relentless positivity, others still with meditation or exercise. So many people are mysteriously facing a battle with this elusive thing named depression that “major depression is one of the most common mental illnesses, affecting more than 8% (21 million) of American adults each year. 15% of youth (3.7 million) ages 12-17 are affected by major depression.”⁴

This makes me sad. But it also makes me wonder, if we are more depressed than ever, how are we supposed to be productive? 

I am guessing many people get out of bed and drink some coffee, and get dressed for the office jobs that all swore they were going remote-first just a couple short years ago. It is almost a joke on corporate America that for all their whip cracking to get numbers to go just a percentage or so higher, all they have to do is help their employees be happy. Not free beef jerky happy, but actually happy. It would be a joke if it were funny, and if anyone were laughing.

Maybe breaking down corporate America and its funny quirks can be saved for another day, but if we need to be happy to be more productive, and workplaces are symbolic at best when it comes to caring about employees, what is an actual, healthy way to get us to be more productive? What’s an actual healthy way to get us to be happy?

There are a lot of things that make humans happy, but one is not material goods. Consumerism in the US is a hobby, a sport, a study, an art. Consumerism is king and in the US consumers are kings. Buy that tote or those leggings and you will feel like a king or queen. For exactly the amount of time it takes for you to get a dopamine hit. Then, it’s gone, almost as fast as the trends themselves.

“Shopping addiction is a behavioral addiction that involves compulsive buying as a way to feel good and avoid negative feelings, such as anxiety and depression. Like other behavioral addictions, shopping addiction can take over as a preoccupation that leads to problems in other areas of your life.”⁵ “Found worldwide, the disorder has a lifetime prevalence of 5.8% in the US general population.”⁶

Consumerism is so rampant in the US that when I arrived in Mexico, it actually shocked me how little there is to buy. There are just less stores of stuff. I can go weeks without seeing the inside of anything beyond the grocery store. Even the most upper class neighborhoods have way less stores than we are used to in the US, and I swear there is less advertising. It took me by surprise how little stuff I needed to buy. You may be surprised to know that my life here in Mexico City is so full—but not with stuff. If in the US, stuff is a sign of success and stuff makes you happy, what makes other people in other places happy?

Sade messaging me about her new landlord, the master tenant in an apartment in Rio De Janeiro that Sade is supposed to move into next week. The outlook is not good. The vegan master tenant wants her to be vegan as long as she’s under the same roof. Some of the other stipulations are also strange.

“When you are sharing a home with someone, sure, you may have some questions to make sure you will feel comfortable with them and that is okay, but if you want that much control over the space, you should really ask why you are renting the space out,” I told her. “Exactly!” Sade texted back. “Thank you for the feedback!” Sade had lunch with someone she is hopeful will be helpful to her business. “Will tell you more on Monday,” she texted me before having to go to dinner. 

People. People are what make other people happy. One of many things that we are biologically wired to want and need is connection to other people. One of the things that amuses, shocks, and makes me sad about the US is, somewhere between the ruggedly individual culture and the economic pressures that exist currently, it almost feels like Americans have convinced themselves (or have been convinced) that not only do they not need other people in their lives, but that other people are mostly a nuisance. Having a meal with a friend some years ago, she told me she knew a woman who told her “I want to buy a house so I can stop having to say hi to my neighbors.”

The almost complete isolation many people live in in the US is extremely strange to anyone not from there. I know this, because in my one year of marriage, my husband and I have unintentionally compared notes on upbringing.

“Oh most people don’t know their neighbors in the US,” I told him, emphasizing that I am from the Bay Area in California, so any US behavior is more pronounced there. “After two decades you may only know your neighbors first name. This is why Americans are so afraid. Where they should know others, living in community, they are basically existing in a sea of strangers from the moment they step out of their doors. They don’t know the people who work at the grocery store. The most interaction you’ll get is with your co-workers, which is part of why work is such a central part of American life,” I told him, as he reflected on if he still ever wanted to go to this country.

My aunt visiting from Egypt for six months hated the US, though she said it in less words. “My sister’s house is very quiet,” I remember her saying. “There’s nothing around.” 

City planning in the US is unique in the world as it was so specifically designed around the car, and more so on the west coast. There’s an excellent book on this called Happy City, by Charles Montgomery. This is a discussion for another time, but basically, isolation is designed into our American lives, even though we are humans and are designed to be social. It is strange. Humans are actually pack animals, like wolves. We are meant to live together, the adults all raising the young, and cooperating to meet our mutual needs. Sometimes I think this isolation, this rugged individualism that’s thinly veiled capitalism, is promoted to make people center their lives on themselves in this dog-eat-dog world and get ahead. It alleviates them of having to care for anyone else. What if it instead a dog-help-dog world? We’d be just as well off if not better, if we just were there for each other.

“You should be a life coach,” Sade said laughing on our call some Mondays ago. She had started the call feeling upset that she had not met certain goals she set for herself, and I lavished her with excited, genuine praise as I pointed out that while she did not do the things she said she would, she did other very important things, things that could significantly help her business in ways that are different than what she had planned. I meant all of it. Sade is my friend, and for good reason. She is more than capable. There was nothing I said that was a lie. If she felt better after the call, that is great and that is the point. Sometimes you need another point of view to better see yourself. 

This weekly call has taught us many things. It taught us that you don’t have to follow a certain prescribed structure to be successful. In fact, sometimes leaving things a bit flexible leaves room for things you hadn’t planned on. Maybe if our call was more structured, it would be less fun, we’d be less inclined to do it, and we’d be less productive. Maybe if we were rigid about hitting goals in particular ways, like corporate America, our calls would be filled with discussing failure instead of wins.

But most of all, what we have learned is that this small time allocated to connection with someone dear at the beginning of the week makes us both feel good. We both feel seen. We both feel connected. We feel grounded. The positive feeling from the one hour call seems to fill both of our beings enough to catapult us through the week, actually with a great deal of excitement, energy, and happiness, until our next call. And we also exchange some useful words for our work. It turned out that in letting ourselves be humans, we are better workers.

1. Oxford University. (2019, October 24). Happy workers are 13% more productive. https://www.ox.ac.uk/news/2019-10-24-happy-workers-are-13-more-productive

2. Kohler, L. (2023, November 28). Finally, proof that happiness does make us work better. Forbes. https://www.forbes.com/sites/lindsaykohler/2023/11/28/finally-proof-that-happiness-does-make-us-work-better/

3. Gallup. (2023, October 12). Depression rates reach new highs. Gallup. https://news.gallup.com/poll/505745/depression-rates-reach-new-highs.aspx

4.  Mental Health America. (n.d.). Depression. Mental Health America. Retrieved October 30, 2024, from https://mhanational.org/conditions/depression

5. Cleveland, M. (2021, October 20). Shopping addiction: Causes, symptoms, and treatment options. Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/shopping-addiction-4157288

6. Department of Psychiatry, University of Iowa Roy J. and Lucille A. Carver College of Medicine. (2005). Compulsive buying disorder. Psychiatric Clinics of North America, 28(1), 175-181. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.psc.2004.08.004